okay, i'm going to keep it raw on this one, there is no drawing or pretty poem. Just me sitting on my living room floor during Babu's nap time listening to Matt Redman's Heart of Worship, a long time favorite song. It's all in the second lyrics of the first verse:
"When the music fades, and all is stripped away, and I simply come.."
That is something of what I feel right now, not because I'm in the depths of despair or suffering. Quite the contrary I know I'm blessed. I have a wonderful son, a good husband, an air conditioned living space, a dishwasher and a B.A from a private University (I'm still working out if the private university part is blessing or a curse seeing as i am up to my neck in debt) but I guess the point is that for all the shit that is out of place, I know that I am blessed.
However, there is the small and big things (depending on my mood and perspective from day to day) that are in fact seemingly out of place. I still can't seem to get hired in my area of passion and training, I'm struggling to get through a post B.A degree while juggling child care, bills, etc. I can't stay on top of the dishes or my debt and God knows I'm trying.
I'm living in two realities right now, on one hand I'm blessed and at shalom. On the other hand I feel anguish and frustration at messed up plans and deep disappointments in relationship, convictions, and aspirations. A Woman Guide and Professor that I had during undergrad would describe this as "holding the tension of the opposites". It sucks but apparently produces some kind of significant insight...we'll see!
The thing that makes me crazy is that sometimes I feel that I have all the answers. I mean, I don't even know what to ask, because the answer seems obvious. There was a time that I just thought I could be happy if all my problems were solved. If my husband didn't disappoint me anymore and I learned to be a better wife. If I became a better mom and mastered a healthy routine and got Babu to eat a pea or a carrot (God help that child), if I finally woke up before Izaka did and jogged around the pond by the park, if I got my long awaited amazing job changing the world, cleaned the basement, paid my debt....
and then the good creator just kind of showed me that the list was endless and that live was short. So now it seems my whole effort is trying not to get tangled by the list.
And some days are a success...sunshine, peace, contentment, shalom and a sense of being one with the Creator. I love my boys and I'm thankful for my life....
Here's the problem, something from that list always seems to still creep up...it's not as easy as doing away with the list, the list matters, I do have to clean the house and think up creative ways to make my one year old develop a deep appreciation for veggies, and I will always want to get that dream job as a community worker...it would be much easier if I could shut myself up in a monastery of profound drawings and serene prose....(and from time to time I can and I'm glad I do) But sooner or later I have to exist in this here garden in which the creator has placed me...it is a cursed place and a ransomed place.
It's like my flower bed out front...sooner or later the weeds always push out of the soil and threaten it's beauty and the wellness of the plants.
To be quite frank in recent weeks I've kind of taken a break from maintaining the flower bed upfront, I'm too tired and at this point it's not a priority. I'm glad our Good Gardener doesn't get tired or demotivated. He always thinks me beautiful and sees much reason to till away and strip away.....until, I simply come.